Managing Your Expectations of your Children

Oh dear, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, I've been out there gathering up some more negative experiences to share with y'all.

So my daughter likes to play soccer, and she's pretty good at it, but mostly because she's so darned athletic and runs harder than the others. But she's not super polished, like those kids who do their homework of their own free will and will practice anything you tell them over and over again until they get it right. It'll take her maybe three tries to get any one thing right, and then she's off chasing butterflies--if, in fact, she ever stops chasing butterflies long enough to hear what you're telling her to do. But she's instinctual. She takes the ball away from the other team, runs with it, and shoots, and scores... a lot.

So naturally I figured the best thing for her would be to play with girls that are better than her and can show her how and why she needs to pay attention to what she's doing. So she's been playing Rec league soccer, which is swell but very egalitarian so everyone's playing there, including the numerous kids who don't want to be playing but whose parents require them to do a sport. And the next step up is Select, but that doesn't start until she's a year or two older. And the next step up beyond that is Premier, which is pretty hardcore, but does start at her age group, so I'm thinking to myself "Yeah, that's the ticket, we'll get her in with these girls, get her some really good fundamental training for a year, and then she'll be set to either continue on with them, or go back down to where ever she's comfortable." Sounds like a good plan, doesn't it?

I should have known when I got the promotional emails from Eastside FC that said things like "your child's character will be forged in the crucible of intense competition" that we was in over our heads. I mean, don't get me wrong, Eastside is truly a high character organization, that stays away from a lot of the really shitty things that elite youth sports organizations do, and they do have some really really great professional soccer coaches on staff, but they are pretty fucking intense.

So anyway, we decided to go to the tryouts, and they recommended preparing for tryouts by taking your kids out and letting them play a bit. So that's what we did. We'd go to the park and kick the ball around. We'd work on skills. A was really receptive, and eager to improve. We had a great father-daughter bonding experience. And I felt pretty good about her chances of making one of the teams.

So anyway, we come to time for the tryout, and it's quite a major affair. There are around 70 girls trying out for 25 places, which it pretty intense competition for a 9-year-old, but I told her to just do her best, and that's all I expected of her. So anyway, we got out there for the first day, and dang! there's a lot of really good 9-year-olds, but whatever, we'll shine because of our athleticism.

Wrong! Cue the awful spring we're having, and the skies open up with a hard, steady rain and a temperature in the mid forties. It was pretty awful, and my daughter just got slower and slower as she got colder. And she wasn't the only one, but man, her game fell apart. I had to yell to her to keep moving, not for the sake of the tryout, but just to keep warm. After the longest 90 minutes ever, the first day was over. We scurried back to the car to get on dry clothes and warm up. So many little girls were just bawling as they walked off the field, they were all so cold.

So the next day was much better. Almost sunny, but Ooops! we forgot our ADHD medication in the morning, and we were so very frequently not on task. I know a lot of people think that kids are over-medicated these days and that ADHD is just some made up thing, but here's what it looks like during a soccer scrimmage: Cartwheel. Cartwheel. Attempted front flip. Steal the ball on defense. Run up the field, run back down the field. Cartwheel. Front flip. cartwheel. run up the field, steal the ball, breakaway, score. Cartwheel. Cartwheel. Cartwheel. run back down the field, deny scoring opportunity. Cartwheel. Attempted front flip... etc. for 90 minutes. Impressed with her energy, they moved her up to the next higher group, but she was just out of place there. raw, unpolished, not knowing the protocol, or where to stand, or what to do.

The third day was spent in the remainders group. And the girls played, but I think they knew he score. A was able to stop with the gymnastics, and kind of continued her reign of terror, but got very surly and sat out for a time. She said one of the girls was mean to her. I told her that she was stronger and faster that a lot of other girls, and that she should expect people to try to get even in mean ways. That it meant she was winning (durr!) and that letting them get to her meant that they were winning. We'll see if that sunk in. It's a good lesson for life.

So anyway, she didn't make it. But that's alright. And I told her that it was alright, and that all I wanted he to do was to try, and she did, and I was proud of her for that, and that I would always love her. And she told me that she thought the reason that she didn't make the team was that she didn't run all the time and that she did too much gymnastics. And that made me very happy with my disappointment.

And you know what else? It's been a really, really difficult winter, behavior-wise with the daughter but now she is happier and more relaxed, and we have a great relationship. That fucking stupid tryout was the best $20 I ever spent.

And in case you're wondering, she still loves soccer. I found a Sunday program for her, where she has to play with up to 1 year older kids, both boys and girls. And she's holding her own.